


we both get freaky and the boom gets squeaky

by Edgebug



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dennis Reynolds's Terrible Nut Face, M/M, no banging actually occurs in the fic but it's talked about, so definitely not safe for a work environment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 08:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12272574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edgebug/pseuds/Edgebug
Summary: See, Mac likes banging Dennis, or getting banged by Dennis, or getting banged by Dennis and another dude they found on Grindr and ghosted after one night, or banging Dennis with a different dude they found on Scruff and ghosted after less than one night, or--The point is, Mac likes having sex with Dennis. He does. He really, really does. It's right up there with "throwing rocks at trains" and "getting blackout drunk" on his mental list titledFun Things to Do With Friends.It's just that--





	we both get freaky and the boom gets squeaky

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haemophilus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/gifts).



> it's currently two AM and i wrote this dumb ass fic in half an hour so that should speak to the quality of it

 

"Dude, why do you always want to bang me from behind?"

Mac hadn't thought that question would ever be asked, because he's not very smart, so he doesn't have a nice, practiced response lined up ready to spit out like a trivia answer.

"Uh," he says.

"Or get _banged_ from behind," Dennis muses. "Is that, like, a thing with you? 'Cause I was looking at a copy of the _Gay Kama Sutra_ at Barnes and Noble the other day and..."

That's around when Mac tunes out and frantically tries to think of a plausible response that's not the real answer. 

See, Mac _likes_ banging Dennis, or getting banged by Dennis, or getting banged by Dennis and another dude they found on Grindr and ghosted after one night, or banging Dennis with a _different_ dude they found on Scruff and ghosted after _less_ than one night, or-- 

The point is, Mac likes having sex with Dennis. He does. He really, really does. It's right up there with "throwing rocks at trains" and "getting blackout drunk" on his mental list titled _Fun Things to Do With Friends._

It's just that--

"So I figured we could try one of them, like, the Butter Churner, because it looks like it takes immense physical fortitude for both parties and I really think we could conquer it, but then I remembered that you only like to hit it--or be hit, as it were--from the back, and then I thought, what's with that, anyway?"

Dennis has finished pontificating and is now looking at Mac expectantly.

Panicked and not ready in the slightest, Mac does the worst thing possible. He tells the truth.

"Your nut face is terrible," Mac blurts out, and instantly regrets it because he instantly thinks of two better things he could have said: 'I like to look at your rippling back muscles', for one, or 'I just like it, okay', either of which would have been _so_ much preferable to what he said instead.

Two separate, distinct emotions march across Dennis's features--anger and then disbelief--before settling on righteous indignation, a look that Dennis wears well.

"My _what_ is terrible?"

Like a circus clown accidentally riding his unicycle into a funeral ceremony instead of a birthday party, Mac attempts frantically to backpedal. "I mean, you're just so _sweaty,"_ he says by means of explanation.

"Yeah, Mac! We both get sweaty!"

"Yeah, but you get _really--"_

_"Banging is exercise, you dumb shit!"_ Dennis's voice is rising in pitch and volume.

"Listen, it's not--it's not a big deal, Dennis! I just, you get so intense, it's kinda, unnerving, um--"

" _INTENSE?"_ Dennis is full-on yelling now. "It's _banging!_ It's _supposed_ to be _intense!_ Haven't you ever seen _Ghost? Showgirls? Wet Hot American Summer?!"_

Dennis's knuckles are whiter than normal and Mac is pretty sure that his pseudo-boyfriend is about to either storm out or stab him to death. He has to defuse this situation quick.

"Look, it's not that big a--Maybe I can wear a blindfold!" he says, helpfully, finally satisfied that he's offered a solution that will absolutely work for both parties involved here. 

Dennis makes a noise that Mac hasn't heard since Dennis was clutching an iron fire poker in the living room of a suburban McMansion.

So, I'm gonna get stabbed, Mac thinks sullenly.

-

"I do not have a terrible nut face," Dennis says to nobody in particular as he paces back and forth, quickly followed by " _everyone_ has a terrible nut face," apparently not understanding that he can't have it both ways.

He eyes the drawer where his Conquest Flash Drive sits. He recently went digital and had all his Conquest Tapes backed up to a nice solid state flash drive. He has several of them around in case one gets stolen or smashed, _and_ he has them saved to iCloud, too. It's important to keep backups.

It's not as if he hasn't watched tapes of himself banging people before, he has, many times, and it's _also_ not as if he pays attention to the other person the whole time. It's just that he's normally paying attention to his own chiseled bod, rippling abs, et cetera, not his _face._ He sees his face every day in the mirror. It's not exactly the most titillating part of the video. And even if he's _seen_ his own nut face, it's not as if he particularly paid attention to it or committed it to memory.

What he's got to do is take a nice screenshot of his face at the exact M.O.N. (Moment Of Nut) and show it around. Get an opinion. Prove that Mac is a stupid, dumb, moronic shithead.

He grabs the flash drive and crams it into his laptop's USB port before clicking on a video labeled four stars with more force than his poor touch pad really deserves.

He watches the video.

_That has to be a fluke,_ he thinks, and clicks another.

_That's gotta be a coincidence._ He clicks another. The touch pad creaks.

_These are all old videos. Maybe my nut face has changed since then. People change. This is a bad data set,_ Dennis thinks, so he jerks it in front of his camera--being careful not to make any particular face--and reviews the footage.

_OH, GODDAMNIT._

\- 

"C'mon, man."

"No."

"Dude--"

Dennis shakes his head.

"We haven't banged in, like, _three days,"_ Mac whines. "That's 72 hours."

"It sure is," Dennis says, the picture of blithe nonchalance. He pointedly refuses to make eye contact with Mac.

Mac gets the feeling that Dennis is still pissed off at him.

"Are you still pissed off about the nut face thing? Is that why you've got me cut off?"

"No," Dennis scoffs.

"Yes, you are," Mac groans. "Oh my god, dude, get over it!"

" _Get over_ my partner apparently being so revolted that he apparently can't even look at me? Fuck off." 

"Your partner?" Stupidly, something low in Mac's skull warms up.

Dennis sneers. "Of the words I just said, that's the word you're focusing on? I meant _sex_ partner. I've had _hundreds._ "

Mac really isn't that empathetic, but he knows Dennis (he has to, for survival purposes), and the guy is radiating hurt, and Mac hates it.

Shit, he'll look at that awful nut face all day if it'll make Dennis stop being an asshole.

"Yeah, 'cause I wanna be your partner," Mac says. "Sex partner. Whatever. And I--I _wanna_ look at your terrible nut face. Because you're my partner."

"Sex partner. And no, you don't," Dennis dismisses him harshly. "Again. Fuck off."

"No, I don't," Mac says. "But I gotta get used to it, right? Because," he continues, "someday when our dicks are wrinkled and our knees go bad we aren't gonna be able to _do_ doggy anymore, we'll have to do missionary or whatever, and I'm gonna _have_ to get used to it, right, because I wanna keep banging you 'til we're old as _shit,"_ he says. 

Dennis blinks. "Til we're old as shit?" 

"Dude," Mac says, solemnly,  "I want your soul to bang my soul in the afterlife."

The ghost of a smile makes the corners of Dennis's mouth twitch for a split second. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. And," Mac goes on. "I wanna make you make the worst nut face ever, dude, _"_ he says with all the sincerity he can muster. "Like, the sweatiest, grossest nut face. The _worst_ one. I wanna do that to you."

A full smile this time, one that reminds Mac of the Grinch who Stole Christmas, slides across Dennis's face. "I don't know if you can," he says loftily, "you'll have to work hard to earn it."

Mac grins.

-

The good news is that Mac isn't physically recoiling at the sight of Dennis's o-face anymore. In fact, he's almost enjoying that he can wreck Dennis into looking so very awful. _Almost_.

The bad news is that they both end up in the hospital with minor spine injuries when they try the Butter Churn.

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't seen season 12 and i am not really in the sunny fandom this is basically a dumb crack joke fic and a gift for haemophilus because i hate her for showing me this photograph
> 
>  


End file.
